Partners in Crime
by Star0307
Summary: A different take on the story Something Better. Just how involved were Piccolo and Goku in the conception of Trunks? Rated for language.
1. Plan A Phase One

Dr. Briefs walked casually down the hallway to his lab. First, he passed the Gravity Chamber, where a certain Saiyan Prince was training, as usual. By the sound of the buzzing, he knew Vegeta would be in there for another three hours and forty-three minutes before he'd need food.

Only a few doors away, steam was emitting from behind a bedroom door. The good doctor could tell by the scent of the steam that Bulma's date with Yamcha was at seven o'clock. He hoped that this time, Yamcha actually showed.

Suddenly, Dr. Briefs stopped. "I've got it!" he exclaimed excitedly. "A way to cure cancer!" He was just about to scurry off to his lab when he was knocked unconscious.

"Sorry, old man," a deep voice said as a figure threw Dr. Briefs in a closet. "But this is the way it has to be."

Elsewhere, another figure crouched low in the trees, waiting for the signal to strike. His black eyes watched the window steadily. There it was: a small nod from his accomplice. Quickly, the figure shifted his position and fired a blast straight at the gravity chamber. It was a small one, barely enough to fry the instruments. That was all the man meant to do.

A few seconds passed slowly as the two men held their breath. Would the Prince notice? Would he find someone to fix the room? Would their plan work?

The door creaked open and the man in the tree let out a huge sigh of relief. With Dr. Briefs out of the way, the Saiyan Prince would have no where to go but to…

"WOMAN! The blasted gravity chamber is broken! Fix it NOW!"

"AAAAAAAHHH! What do you think you're DOING?"

The man in the tree sat back and basked in the warm glow of the loving conversation. His partner-in-crime suddenly materialized by his side.

"We'd better get going before Bulma goes on another rampage." The man shuddered at the mere thought.

The other man leapt to his feet. "Don't I get a congratulations hug?" he asked. And he wasn't kidding.

"No!" the former barked, then sighed to himself. "Besides, they're no where NEAR liking each other yet. We still have a lot of work to do."

"Right!" The man in the tree did a quick jig around his partner before he flew off towards his house, calling over his shoulder, "SECRET MEETING TOMORROW AT MY HOUSE! TEN THIRTY SHARP! YOU KNOW IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS, RIGHT? RIGHT!"

The former shook his head and muttered something unintelligible before saying to the sky, "How do I let myself get talked into these things?" He then flew off, still muttering.

Dr. Briefs stumbled out of the closet. "Whoops! I must have mistook it for the door to my lab again!" He paused, stroking his chin in deep thought. "Hmm...now, what was that idea I came up with...? Oh well! It mustn't have been very important!" He took a few steps to his lab door and entered, ignoring the shrieks coming from his daughter's room.

* * *

(just for your information, this skit at the end is continued from _The Mechanic's Daughter_) Whew! All that in ten minutes. Three guesses who the two partners are!

**Kyo the cat:** Like you didn't give enough hints already. The friggin' _summary_ has their names in it, for crissake! (turns back into a human) Aw, shit.

**Star:** (grins) Your clothes are on the bed. (Kyo goes to change) Oh, well, since this is another DBZ fic, maybe I should have someone represent…. (goes to closet and turns portal to DBZ and its fans)

**Trunks:** (leaps out and wraps his arms around Star's leg pleadingly) Help me, please! They're coming after me!

**Trunksgurl09, Sabudabu, Inusaiyan007:** (voices only) TRUU-unks…where ARE you?

**Trunks:** (squeezes harder, in tears) PLEASE!

**Star:** Fine. But you have to represent, okay?

**Trunks:** (collapses on floor thankfully) Just close the portal.

**Star:** Fine, ingrate. (closes portal, to readers) Well, everyone—

**Trunks:** (sees Kyo changing) Why is there a half-naked teenage boy changing into his clothes on your bed?

**Kyo:** (panicked) IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

**Star:** —please review. Thanks for reading!


	2. Plan A Phase Two

Sorry this is so late, but suspended my account until today. And no, I am not dead; I've been swamped is all. I will respond to your e-mails eventually. You can count on me! I hope…with Christmas and finals and a death in the family, too….

* * *

"Yay! Piccolo!" Both Goku and Gohan did a ritual dance around their green friend as he counted to ten slowly in his head…in several different languages.

"Goku, Gohan, STOP!" he finally shouted. Instantaneously, both father and son froze in awkward positions. Piccolo then turned to Goku. "Weren't we supposed to talk about…**_SOMETHING_**?" he asked, placing a special emphasis on 'something' so Goku would catch on.

Of course, it didn't work. "What are you talking about?"

Piccolo, being a lot smarter than some believe, began to drop subtle hints. By 'subtle', I mean blatantly obvious. "Your **_VEGGIE_** garden has **_UNDERWEAR_** all over it, and now some tree **_TRUNKS_** are growing there."

Confused, Goku looked towards his vegetable garden, which had no underwear or trees in it. He then looked back at his friend, concern etched on his features. "Piccolo, are you feeling alright? I think you're hallucinating."

"DAMN IT, GOKU! I'm here to talk about Vegeta and Bulma!"

The change in Goku was immediate. His face became serious, his stance straightened, and his voice dropped an octave. "Gohan," he said solemnly, "go inside." The little boy obeyed; he had seen his father act this way and he knew better than to cross him. When Goku was sure his son was in the house, he frowned handsomely and said—

"Goku, you idiot!" Piccolo said out of nowhere as he hit Goku over the head. (AN: Thanks, Brittany!)

"OW! That hurt! What was that for, anyways?"

"I knew you'd say something stupid and I'd hit you, so I figured that I'd just hit you now so I wouldn't have to listen to your idiocy."

The Saiyan thought for a moment, and then shrugged. "You're right, I guess. Now, let's get started with the secret meeting."

"Right," Piccolo agreed, relieved that he wouldn't have to endure any more stupidity. Oh, how wrong he was.

"Chichi, could I talk to you for a minute?" Goku yelled loudly, causing Piccolo to cringe.

"I can't hear you! I'm washing the dishes!"

"I SA-id, Could I Talk To You For A Minute!" This time, Piccolo had to plug his ears so he wouldn't go deaf.

"One more time, Goku."

"COULD! I! TALK! TO! YOU! FOR! A! MINUTE!" In a flash, Chichi appeared with a frying pan.

"Don't take that tone of voice with me, mister!"

"Uh…Chichi…I—"

"You WHAT?"

"I was just wondering how Bulma was doing," he mumbled.

Immediately, Chichi softened. "Goku, that's so kind of you," she said mistily, then collapsed into his arms sobbing. Piccolo raised a questioning non-existent eyebrow at Goku, who shrugged.

"It's that time of the month," he whispered.

"Isn't it always 'that time of the month' for Chichi?" Piccolo retorted. CLANG! Piccolo was knocked out on Chichi's front lawn.

"That'll teach you! Green freak!" She then turned back to Goku and smiled politely, throwing aside the dented frying pan. "Sorry about the interruption. Now, let's talk about this over some tea." Chichi linked arms with her husband and lead him into the house as he peered worriedly over his shoulder at Piccolo, who had a large red welt forming on the back of his head.

"Uh, Chichi—"

"Bulma's been doing terrible," Chichi interrupted matter-of-factly as she shoved Goku into a chair. She began to pull out various items to prepare tea as she continued, "You know, she was going on a date with Yamcha last night, right?"

Her husband didn't answer because she had just pulled out a tray of sandwiches.

"Anyways, she was getting ready when Prince 'Charming' came in and blew up half of her room, destroying her evening gown. He's such a schmuck."

Goku gulped, either in agreement or in surprise.

"So, to get him back, she forced him to come with her to shop for a dress. But it didn't stop there. She gets to Bloomingdales and finds Yamcha in the lingerie section with some blonde bimbo. Howd'ya like that?"

She looked at her husband expectantly, but he was busy trying to pry a cherry tomato out of his nose.

"Goku, are you listening?"

"Huh?" he asked, dazedly looking around. "Oh, yeah."

"No you're not!" she declared and burst into tears. "No one ever listens to meeeee!"

Chichi collapsed into a chair and sobbed whole-heartedly into her hands as Goku snuck out the door with the sandwich tray. He heaved a sigh of relief and joined his green friend, who had obviously just woken up.

"Learn anything good?" Piccolo asked sourly as he rubbed his head.

Goku frowned in deep thought. "Uh…," he dropped his head and said embarrassedly, "I don't remember, actually…."

"WHAT!"

* * *

(groans emit from the corner that Star is huddled in)

**Kyo:** (nudges Star with foot but she doesn't reply; to Trunks) What's eating her?

**Trunks:** She's overwhelmed with all the responses she's been getting. Usually she replies to all of her reviews by e-mail, but with multiple stories going at once, she can't keep up. And, on top of it all, took down "So Hot" and "I'll See You in Court!" because they were in script form. (he begins ticking reasons off on his fingers) Then there's finals, Christmas shopping, Uncle Bert's death….

**Star:** (now delusional) This floor tastes funny like Parmesan cheese.

**Kyo:** This is getting pathetic.

**Trunks:** I think it was pathetic a long time ago. Like when she ate that piece of cardboard. (to readers) Okay, guys, listen up! If you _desperately_ need a reply, say so in the review and Star'll get back to you as soon as she can. Otherwise, have some compassion. I mean, this is getting ridiculous.

**Star:** (shrieks and runs around the room) HATS! THEY'RE AFTER ME!

**Trunks:** (sighs) Kyo, take care of that.

**Kyo:** Right. (starts to chase Star down)

**Trunks:** (to reader) Thanks for understanding. And you don't have to review if you don't want to. I'm sure that would take the pressure off her as well.

**Star:** (suddenly stops running and turns to Kyo) Oh, Johnny Depp, you're amazing! (hugs the stunned Kyo and he changes into a cat)

**Kyo the cat:** Damnit! Not again!

**Trunks:** (quirked eyebrow) Well, I can't exactly say I was expecting that. What's with the cat-thing?

**Kyo the cat: **(sighs) You don't want to know.


	3. Plan A Phase Three

After three hours of meditating in the woods with Piccolo, Goku was finally able to recollect most of the conversation with Chichi. Piccolo sat patiently and listened to everything Goku had to say, but when he finished, Piccolo smacked him over the head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"I can't believe you! One of our earlier plans was to tell Yamcha that you would distract Bulma while he went out with another person and then conveniently forget about your promise. We already had this worked out, remember?"

Goku stroked his chin thoughtfully, then smacked his forehead. "Of _course_! Why didn't I_ remember_ that?"

Piccolo sighed and muttered something to himself. "Anyways," he continued, "We were going to check up on Bulma and Vegeta's relationship today."

Goku looked puzzled. "How do we do that?"

This time, Piccolo smacked his own forehead. "Goku, when you fell on your head, are you SURE that you didn't just lose your memory of Vegeta-sei?"

"I fell on my head?"

"GAAAAHH! THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO **KILL** YOU!" Goku screamed like a hormonal teenager that had just seen Hayden Christensen and ran for the hills, Piccolo wildly chasing after him while cackling like a lunatic.

**..:Later:..**

"Do you understand NOW, Goku?" Piccolo asked, eerily calm. His right eye wouldn't stop twitching. Goku could only nod, as his entire body was strapped to a tree. "Good. Now, when I untie you, don't make any sudden movements." Piccolo severed the knots that held Goku down and the young Saiyan eased himself off of the tree.

"Could…we…run…through…the…set…up…one…more…time…?" Goku asked as slowly as he could. Piccolo nodded and began to recount the process once again.

"I want to you calmly fly to Capsule Corporation and challenge Vegeta to a sparring match. He will undoubtedly accept, and that is when you'll ask him about Bulma. BE SUBTLE."

"Subtle?"

"Don't just ask about her out of the blue."

"So, is 'That Bulma sure is hott!' a good thing to say?"

Twitch "No…."

"How about, 'Have you bedded her yet?'?"

Twitch twitch "No…."

"Should I say something like, 'You know, Bulma's nighttime job is a prost—'"

"NO! Just ask if he likes staying there!"

"Oh! Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

"I DID!" Piccolo suddenly sighed and sat dejectedly on a rock. "Just…go…."

Goku cast a worried glance at Piccolo before he took off. "Sometimes," he thought to himself, "I worry about Piccolo's wellbeing. He's always so stressed out. I wonder why…."

**..:Later:..**

The young Saiyan rang the doorbell and whistled to pass the time. What was he supposed to be doing again?

"Coming!" came a muffled voice from inside.

Maybe he should just have some lunch and fight with Vegeta.

The door opened and Bulma was standing in front of him with a grin on her face. "Goku! What a surprise!"

"Can I come in?" he asked politely. Bulma stepped back and he sheepishly entered the mansion. "I was wondering if Vegeta was home," Goku asked shyly, shuffling his boot on the white tile.

"Of course he's home. Here, follow me." The blue-haired woman lead him down the hallway to the kitchen. "Look who came to see you today!" Bulma called to the Prince. Goku was surprised to see Vegeta wrapped in a quilt and picking at a plate full of food. Nevertheless, he remained cheery.

"Hiya, Vegeta! I was wondering if you wanted to spar today." Goku's eyes diverted to the plates of food. "Mmm, Bulma, this food looks really good! Say, would you happen to have—"

"Yes, I made enough for you, too." Hearing this, Goku emptied the fridge onto a platter and began wolfing down the food. Even though he looked distracted, he was keeping an eye on Vegeta. Something wasn't right about him….

Bulma seemed to notice as well. "Vegeta, you've hardly touched your food."

"I'm not hungry," was all he said back. Goku immediately leaned in closer to him. Something was definitely wrong. A Saiyan was always hungry. Speaking of which….

"Uh, Vegeta, can—"

"Fine."

Goku shoveled more food down his throat, but he was still leery of Vegeta's attitude. Before he could say anything, though, Bulma butted in. "Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

Vegeta nodded and said hoarsely, "I just need some rest." With that, he stood up and left the room, Goku's eyes following him the whole time.

As soon as Goku finished, he turned to Bulma. "Bulma, is he going to train with me today?"

"No," she replied. "He's sick. I thought he had a fever, but it seems to be something more…. Goku, go watch him while I check something." The young Saiyan mustered up a serious face and entered the living room. He saw Vegeta sprawled out on the couch, sleeping soundly.

"Aww, he's so cute!" Goku squealed.

Suddenly, Vegeta began to thrash about in his sleep, muttering in some foreign language. Some words like 'Frieza' and 'Vegeta' popped out, but other than that, everything was useless babble. Goku found himself trying to restrain the delusional Prince.

"Bulma!" Goku shouted.

"What?"

"Something's…up…with Vegeta!" A few seconds later, she came bounding into the living room, worry etched on her face. As Goku pressed down harder on Vegeta, Bulma placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned in to talk to him.

Goku couldn't make any sense out of their conversation, but from where he was standing, he could sense something different about the way they were reacting to each other. It used to be that they couldn't get within ten feet of each other, but now their noses were a mere ten centimeters away and neither of them seemed to be having a problem.

Goku was roused from his uncharacteristic deep thoughts when Vegeta fell back to sleep. Bulma turned to him sharply. "We have to get him to a hospital. NOW."

"Right!" Goku slung the Prince over his shoulder as Bulma grabbed a capsule car.

"This way!" she called. As the young Saiyan was exiting, he grabbed an armful of fruit. Goku tossed Vegeta into the backseat and sat up front with Bulma, eagerly digging into the pile of goods.

As he took a bite of apple, he caught Bulma glaring at him. "Wfat?"

* * *

Hiya! I'm back again and all ready for action! (karate-chops air)

**Trunks:** (shakes head and sighs) What am I doing here?

**Kyo the cat:** Hey, at least you're somehow associated with the story. What about me? I'm not even in the show, for crissake!

**Star:** (over her shoulder flirtatiously to Kyo) But that doesn't mean that I don't love you! (winks)

**Kyo the cat:** (freaks out) What the— (changes back to human) —damnation!

**Trunks:** (shields eyes) Dude, get some pants on!

**Kyo:** (slips on underwear) I would, but I can't find them!

**Star:** (not looking because she has SOME sense of decency) That's because they're in the wash. You know, your clothes are really dirty.

**Kyo:** (sigh) Great! NOW what am I gonna wear?

**Star:** How about these? (holds out Victoria Secret sweatpants with "PINK" written on the butt) My aunt gave them to me for Christmas. They're really comfortable….

**Kyo:** But they're GIRL'S pants!

**Trunks:** Well, it looks like you have those pants or this. (holds up hot pink skort)

**Kyo:** Fine! Gimme the pink pants….

**Star:** (giggles) I knew you'd like them! (to readers) One more chapter up, I don't know how many more to go! In any case, I hope you're enjoying it. Please review!


	4. Plan A Phase Four

They had been waiting for ten minutes, but to Goku, it felt as if he had been waiting for Frieza to transform over and over again…at least two centuries. "Bulma," he whimpered, "how long will this take?"

"Would you STOP ASKING ME THAT!" she practically shouted back. After a stern glare from the receptionist, Bulma quieted her voice to a harsh whisper. "Why don't you go outside for some fresh air or something? I'll be fine by myself."

Goku immediately perked up at the mention of 'air' and 'something'. "Thanks Bulma!" he said excitedly as he dashed outside. Bulma just shook her head and swore to Kami that it wasn't her fault Goku was a moron.

In the meantime, Goku was outside admiring the flowers and grass and sky and green men. Wait…green men? "Hi, Mr. Kermit. Long time no see!"

"Damn it! I'm PICCOLO!"

Goku laughed and scratched his head. "Oh, right…."

"Anyways, what have you learned?"

"Well, Vegeta's sick."

Piccolo twitched. "I don't care about that. What about Vegeta and Bulma?"

"Oh! Well, uh…I haven't really learned _that_ much…."

"Meaning nothing, right?"

"Yeah! Hey, how'd you know?"

The Namekian just sighed. "Never mind. We need to see if they're at least attracted to each other. I'll tell you what: let's just communicate telepathically." Goku blinked. "You know, I'll communicate with you soundlessly." Blink. "I'll talk to you in your mind."

"What you're saying sounds impossible."

"Especially since you don't have a mind."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing! Just go back inside and wait with Bulma. I'll tell you what to do from there."

"Okay!" Contentedly, Goku skipped into the hospital while Piccolo swore to Kami that it wasn't his fault Goku was a moron.

"Hi Bulma!" Goku called as he got within earshot. "Did you miss me?"

"No."

"What was that?"

"I said, 'Of course I missed you!'"

"Aw, you're such a great friend!" Goku gave her the biggest bear hug he could muster. After Bulma managed to shove him off—no easy feat for a woman with her size and strength—they sat down to wait. Almost immediately after, the doctor walked up.

As the doctor and Bulma talked, Goku did what he does best—smile and nod as if he knows what's going on. He did pick up some phrases like 'pneumonia' (is that some kind of food?) and 'seven to ten days' (man, it takes forever to make!), but as for everything else, it was way above his head.

The doctor was finally done talking to Bulma. She turned to Goku and said, "Come on, let's get out of here."

Goku nodded and added, "This place gives me the creeps. This is where they give people needles." He shuddered then started to follow Bulma as she walked down the hallway.

_Goku? Goku, are you there?_

"Huh?" Goku looked around.

_Goku, don't say anything aloud. Just talk with your little brain._

_Okay, I'll do that. Wait a second…who is this?_

_IT'S PICCOLO, FOR THE LOVE OF **EVERYTHING HOLY!**_

_Oh, I didn't recognize you._

_I guess. What are you doing now?_

_Bulma and me are walking to Vegeta's room._

_Does she seem worried?_

Goku slyly looked at the blue-haired woman out of the corner of his eye. _She seems to be thinking right now._

_Good. I think that's a good sign. Tell me when you get in the room._

With a curt nod of his head, Goku continued down the hall, jumping whenever he heard (or thought he heard) a syringe being filled. Eventually, he and Bulma finally reached the room where Vegeta was resting in all his sickly glory.

_Okay, _Goku thought with all his might, _I'm here. What now?_

_Now you have to tell me everything that happens, _replied Piccolo.

_Hmm…Bulma just poked Vegeta and he woke up and said he wasn't sick and now—_

_STOP! I don't want a play-by-play description here. Tell me how they're interacting._

_Wha?_

_How are they talking to each other?_

_With words._

_Nng! No! In what way? Manner? Method?_

_Uh…well, they're arguing now._

_Good! What about?_

"You are NOT walking out of here. You're not strong enough." Goku watched as Bulma planted her feet, bracing for the inevitable retaliation.

"MOVE!" Vegeta shoved against her as hard as he could, but she pushed back just has hard.

_Well, Bulma doesn't seem to want to let Vegeta walk out of the hospital, but, you know Vegeta! He doesn't want to be seen in a wheelchair._

_Intriguing…._

_Yeah, well, she should let him go—oh! She just did. He's walking down the hallway now._

_And what does Bulma look like?_

_Mad._

Goku was a little off the mark on that one. Bulma was absolutely livid. She tossed her hair back marched out into the hallway, keeping a close eye on Vegeta the entire time. The car ride back was even more uncomfortable for Goku. Even the proud Saiyan Prince seemed to be affected, for as soon as the threesome walked into Capsule Corp, he claimed he needed to sleep and practically passed out on the couch.

In the kitchen, Bulma was frantically cleaning the dishes, taking her anger out on the breadcrumbs left on her plate. Suddenly, she stopped. Her shoulders sagged, her eyes became weary. She was defeated.

"Thanks for helping me at the hospital, Goku. I don't think I could have managed him by myself."

Goku shrugged, but some warning bells went off in his mind. _This is weird, Piccolo…._

_What? What happened?_

_She's thanking me. She's not angry anymore; she looks sad._

_Odd. Just act natural._

"No problem. Chichi was in a bad mood today." When Bulma didn't laugh at his (very poor) joke, Goku frowned at her. "Bulma?"

"Oh. Yeah." Blankly, the young Saiyan stared at her. Usually she'd make some snippy remark. But she didn't say anything. Bulma eventually caught on to Goku's gaze. "What?"

"Are you okay?" Out of the blue, Bulma was in Goku's arms sobbing. _Well, this is new._

_What now?_

_She's crying._

_Excellent. It's because Vegeta scared her._

_WHAT DID HE DO TO HER!_

_No, idiot, he didn't purposely do it. She's scared that Vegeta's sick._

_Really?_

_Why don't you ask her?_

"He scared you, didn't he." When she didn't reply, Goku said, "That's what I thought."

_Hey, that's what **I **thought, thank you very much._

But Goku couldn't answer because he was being yelled at. Something about not needing help.

"Now you sound like Vegeta," the young Saiyan laughed. The mere suggestion caught Bulma by surprise.

After a little while, she shot back, "No way! He's stubborn, conceited, demanding, and—" She trailed off, too heated to elaborate. Goku just laughed at her some more.

"Doesn't that sound familiar?" His face fell when he realized Bulma would kick his ass. He scrambled for the door but turned when he heard his name. Funny, but Bulma didn't look mad at him. She finally murmured, "He'll be okay, right?"

Goku quirked an eyebrow. "He's Vegeta. I'm sure he'll be fine in a week or so." That being said, he scampered out the door.

"Phew! That was a close one. But something odd is going on in that house, mark my words…." With that uncharacteristic witticism, Goku took off back home.

* * *

Yay! A new chapter! And a nice long one, too. 

**Trunks:** (rolls eyes) You call two and a half pages long? What are you on?

**Star:** Red vines!

**Kyo and Trunks:** (blank stares) She really has gone insane.

**Star:** Pfft! As if I wasn't crazy before. Have you _seen_ the stories I've written?

**Kyo:** Touché.

**Trunks:** Yeah, that one story was pretty bad, you know, that—

**Star:** (whacks him with the infamous tack hammer, knocking him out) We don't want to give away any secrets, now do we?

**Kyo:** What's with the tack hammer?

**Star:** Oh, this is the tack hammer used to knock Trunks out all the time. (hangs it back up in its display case)

**Kyo:** …weird….

**Star:** Okay, readers! I'd appreciate a review, thanks! And have a good New Year!

**Kyo:** (dejectedly) We all know it won't be the year of the cat….

**Star:** Aw, you poor thing! It's okay! (scratches him behind the ears and he purrs)


	5. Plan A Phase Five

You might have noticed that I haven't replied to anyone's reviews yet. There's a perfectly good reason for that, too! I just haven't found it yet….

* * *

"So you understand what you're doing, right?" Piccolo asked anxiously. He didn't want any more screw-ups because time was running out.

"Of course I do! Don't worry, just leave everything to me." Goku tightened his belt and phased out using his Instant Transmission.

As soon as he disappeared, Piccolo heaved a sigh of relief. "Let's make sure that the idiot doesn't mess this up again." He took off and flew directly to Capsule Corp, noting that the Gravitational Chamber was just being fired up. "Perfect," he thought to himself. "Now I just need Bulma to find Vegeta training and observe."

Deftly, he landed right outside Bulma's laboratory. He used his keen sense of hearing to see if she was in there.

"Damnit! Son of a bitch! That mother-fu—"

"Yep," Piccolo said to himself, "she's definitely in there." The Namekian merely pushed open the door and walked in. "Hello, Bulma," he said coolly.

"GAAAAAAH! What the fu—"

"I just came to see for myself if Vegeta was sick. Where is he?"

Bulma blinked. "Huh? You wanna see Vegeta?"

"Yep."

"He should be in his room."

"I checked. He wasn't there."

"The living room?"

"Nope."

"The kitchen?"

Twitch. "Nope."

Bulma guessed eight more times before she finally got what Piccolo was implying. He could have sworn he saw the light bulb over her head. And he didn't know light bulbs could look so furious.

"That two-toed, horny-eared, needle-dick, pin-headed son of a bitch! He should be in bed, not TRAINING!" Bulma stormed off, completely forgetting that Piccolo was even there.

"Mission…accomplished." Piccolo allowed himself a smirk before he flew off to the designated spy-tree from which he could see clearly into the gravitational chamber and the adjoining hallway. He was just in time to see Bulma storm into the room.

"What do you think you're doing, Mister Pneumonia?"

"That's none of your business, woman!" Piccolo leaned forward but he could still find no hint of affection. Especially since the glares that they sent at each other were mind-numbing.

Of course, Goku had to get in the way of the observation.

"Hi, Bulma." The glares shifted to him. Goku audibly gulped and shouted "Bye, Bulma!" before exiting via el instante transmisióne. Piccolo smacked his forehead, which was developing an immunity to open-palmed hits.

After a long pause—which was only broken by Vegeta's coughs—Bulma launched into a prepared speech about resting vs. fighting. Piccolo almost laughed at her reaction when Vegeta left, but his face returned to its usual scowl when the Saiyan Prince collapsed from a coughing fit. The only thing that surprised Piccolo more was Bulma running to him. She almost sounded worried.

"Vegeta, what's the matter?"

He characteristically shoved her aside. "I'm fine, woman. Go away."

"No you're not. Let me help you!"

"Haven't you already done enough?"

"No!" The Namekian watched the two walk down the hallway in mild shock. At least, it would be called 'mild shock' if 'mild' meant 'insanely way too much'. Piccolo almost fell out of the tree.

"Were those the same two people or am I drunk again?"

"You were drunk before?"

This time Piccolo did fall out of the tree.

"Damnation, Goku, what are you doing here?"

Goku scratched his head, apparently in deep thought. "To tell you the truth," he said sheepishly, "I'm not exactly sure."

* * *

(sigh) Another chapter…and I still don't own Dragonball Z! I mean, I asked Santa for it….

**Kyo:** Are you dense? There IS no Santa Claus!

**Star:** (horrified stare; harsh whisper) What did you just say?

**Kyo:** There is NO SUCH THING AS—

**Star:** (bursts into tears) Take it back! Take it BACK!

**Trunks:** (gains consciousness) Uraagh? What's going on?

**Kyo:** I just told her Santa doesn't exist.

**Star:** OH, GOD! WHY OH WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

**Trunks:** Then why is she huddled in a corner with her fingers in her ears?

**Kyo:** Beats me. You'd think a kid my age would know these things.

**Trunks:** I know. (shakes head in shame)

**Kyo:** I've been meaning to ask you…are you gay?

**Trunks:** (blushes) I…uh…er…what?

**Kyo:** I said—

**Trunks:** (to readers) Please review!

**Kyo:** HEY! Don't change the subject!


	6. Plan A Phase Six

Goku gasped. "You wouldn't, Piccolo! It's too devious! Too sinister! Too…," his voice dropped to a whisper, "evil…."

Piccolo banged his fist on the table. "Dammit! You haven't even heard my idea yet!"

"Well, what is it?"

"I was thinking that if we talked Yamcha into crawling back to Bulma, Vegeta might get jealous and take action."

Goku gasped. "You wouldn't, Piccolo! It's too devious! Too—"

"ENOUGH!" The Saiyan immediately quieted. "It's a piece of cake. Yamcha is even denser than you."

"Dense…?"

For the umpteenth time, Piccolo's eye twitched. "Let's just go to Yamcha's house."

The flight there was uneventful, meaning that Goku said a bunch of his usual stupidity as Piccolo muttered, twitched and smacked his forehead. When they landed at their friend's house, the music was blaring and loud noises were coming from inside. A couple of people were passed out on the lawn while a few more were laughing and hiccupping as they tried to sit upright.

"Wow, Yamcha sure does have a lot of nice friends." I'm not even going to tell you who said that line. And I'm not going to tell you who smacked said-person over the head.

"Now can we just go in and talk to him?" The Saiyan nodded and both guys walked inside.

They found Yamcha sitting quietly on a couch with a smile on his face. He wasn't drunk, but the seventeen girls surrounding him were. "Hi, guys! Did you finally decide to come to one of my parties?" He beamed as all the girls around him laughed hysterically. It's as if he had just said the world's greatest joke…in a really bad southern accent which would have multiplied the joke's hilarity.

"No, we've come here to talk about Bulma."

The human raised an eyebrow and the girls all laughed again. "Really? Why?"

Piccolo cleared his throat. "She's really lost without you. She hasn't eaten in days. She hasn't slept. She hasn't come out of her room. Bulma really misses you."

Yamcha eyed him suspiciously. "What about that thing where she was dating Vegeta?"

Goku laughed. "She's not dating him ye—" Piccolo knocked him out before he could give anything else away.

"What Goku said was right. Bulma was never dating Vegeta. She needs you."

Yamcha thought and thought, even though there wasn't really anything to think about. He's that slow. After a good five minutes, he managed to squirm his way out of the mass of girls. "Sorry ladies, but I'll be back tomorrow." They all laughed and started to crowd around Goku's unconscious body instead.

"So, Piccolo," Yamcha said as he clapped a hand on the Namekian's shoulder, "what should I do?"

"Well, what restaurant were you going to take her to that one night?"

Five minutes passed.

"It was some French place…."

Piccolo finally snapped. "IT WAS LA VIE, YOU IMBECILE!"

"Oh, yeah! Or was it El Burrito Loco…."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Nah, I think you're right."

Piccolo heaved a sigh and continued. "Now, what's Bulma's favorite flower?"

This time, Piccolo could only wait two minutes before he became fed up.

"You know what, Yamcha? Why don't I just TELL you what to do."

"Okay!"

"Good. Now write this down. Make reservations at La Vie. Buy some flowers. Get dressed up. Go to Bulma's house—"

"Question. How do I get to Bulma's house?"

Piccolo sighed as his eye twitched uncontrollably. "Drive…."

"Oh. Yeah. Please, continue."

"Then you pick her up. Drive to La Vie. Eat dinner. Take her back home."

"Question. How do I take her back home?"

"The same way you got her to the restaurant."

"And that would be…?"

"THE GOD-FORSAKEN **CAR**!"

"Gotcha. Thanks for the tips, Piccolo!"

But the Namekian didn't hear the thanks because he was already hyperventilating from his over-exposure to idiots. He quickly ran back to the harem, grabbed the still unconscious Goku—now covered in lipstick and reeking of alcohol—from the grasps of the seventeen women and flew out the door.

He got back to Goku's house in record time and the forest air did some good for his agitated state. Then Chichi stepped outside to greet him.

"Hello Piccolo! Have you seen—" She gasped when she saw her husband. She became enraged when she saw what he looked like and smelled like. "THAT UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SWINE! HOW DARE HE CHEAT ON ME?"

So Piccolo left, leaving his partner in the hands of the enemy.

* * *

WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR ME TO POST THIS CHAPTER? WHY? 

**Trunks:** Because you weren't writing. You were doing all those projects.

**Star:** Oh, right. And I still haven't replied to the reviewers, either. So I guess I'll do that now. Are you helping?

**Trunks:** I guess….

**Star:** And are you, Kyon-Kyon?

**Kyo:** (grumbles) Stupid girl with her stupid nicknames….

**Star:** I'll take that as a yes! _Raditz's Onna_…thanks! I'm glad you understand my humor.

**Trunks:** Star, no one understands your humor.

**Star:** (teary eyed) _Raditz's Onna_ does! And so does _Fallen-Yuki_! (to _Fallen-Yuki_) Goku is a bit crazy in this story, isn't he?

**Kyo:** Wait, fallen Yuki? (smiles and laughs evilly)

**Trunks:** Riiiiiight….

**Star:** Anyways, you've got a point, _Sabudabu_! Piccolo is going mad, slowly but surely…. But about Trunks being gay—

**Trunks:** IT'S NOT TRUE!

**Kyo:** Just keep telling yourself that. (smirks) Then go to and read all the reasons why you are.

**Trunks:** I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for all of it…. (looks around shifty-eyed) Wait, Sabudabu is the one with the tack hammer, isn't she? (starts to look panicky)

**Star:** And _wraithgirl_, I'm glad you like this story. (gasps) Kyo-kun, look! It says she likes us together! (becomes all starry-eyed)

**Kyo:** DAMMIT, IT DOESN'T **SAY** THAT!

**Star:** (ignores him) _DBZ Angel_, I hope I get to talk to you soon! Drop me an e-mail!

**Trunks:** Wow. I didn't know Goku wrote stories.

**Star:** (sighs) Anyways, I love Goku, too, _heiress2thethrone_. But not as much as I love my Kyo! (kisses him on the nose)

**Kyo:** AAAAAAAAAHHH! (starts to run around the room clawing at his face)

**Trunks:** (gets more panicky) Is _Sabudabu _here? (starts to hyperventilate)

**Star:** _Watshername14_, you don't suck at writing reviews! And I'm glad you like my story-type-thingie.

**Kyo:** Don't you know her name?

**Star:** Yeah. It's _watshername14_.

**Kyo:** …?

**Star:** That's right! As I was saying, _J.S_, I'm sorry, but this chapter took even longer. Please forgive me! I'm so sorry! I'm not fit to be a writer!

**Kyo:** (sighs) Stop pulling a Ritsu on her….

**Trunks:** (leaps out of chair) NO, NOT THE TACKHAMMER! AARGH!

**Star:** As you can imagine, it's hard to work with all this noise, though. Thanks, _Black Emerald Dawn_! I liked that line, too, although I wanted to write Mr. Kermit the Frog instead of Mr. Sibaman. I'll change it later. And as for _Ghost Writer no. 3_…THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

**Kyo:** (rolls eyes) Now you sound like Tohru….

**Trunks:** (stops running) Who?

**Star:** Hi _cheekylips_! So much for that really fast update, but I hope you're still reading!

**Trunks:** (mumbles) I wouldn't be surprised if no one was reading….

**Star:** I heard that! Don't make me get the you-know-what. (Trunks gulps and nods, wide-eyed) Anyhoo…I'm glad you liked it, _WarriorFormallyKnownAsPrince_. As you can see, I was on a vacation, too.

**Kyo:** Yeah, you were out of your mind.

**Star:** Heh, yeah…. I remember that…. And you're right, _Lilac Cherry Blossoms_. Goku is an idiot.

**Trunks:** No, it's not true! He's a wonderful person! I lo—(stops when he realizes he's rumored to be gay) I admire him!

**Kyo:** Nuh-uh! You were going to say you love him!

**Trunks:** (blushes furiously) Oh yeah? Well, what's your exact relationship with Yuki? I hear you argue like a married couple!

**Kyo:** (goes pale) It's not true!

**Star:** Well, that's everybody! (to Trunks and Kyo) And would you two stop arguing about that! Neither of you are gay.

**Trunks and Kyo:** We're sorry. (whispering to readers) And we're sorry you had to put up with this crazy-woman….


	7. Time for Plan B

Well, they took down Things DBZ Characters Would Never Say. It was only a matter of time before they found it…but that's why this update took so long. They restricted my access so I couldn't post new chapters. Morons….

* * *

The atmosphere at La Vie was elegant, classy, chic…pretty much the perfect restaurant to take your date to. Yamcha and Bulma certainly attracted a lot of attention when they walked in. 

Of course, they didn't attract NEARLY as much attention as a certain couple did an hour later. "Welcome to La Vie, monsieur and mademoiselle. Do you have a reservation?"

The rather bulky 'woman' giggled while 'her' 'boyfriend' cleared his throat. "Of course we have a reservation," he said monotonously. "It's under the name 'Piccolo'."

His 'girlfriend' giggled again. "Oh, honey, you certainly are the charmer!" This earned 'her' an awkward stare from 'her' 'boyfriend'.

The host was getting out the menus when he suddenly paused. "Sir, are you feeling alright? You look a little…green."

"I feel fine. I always look this way." After staring for a beat more, the host shrugged his shoulders and started to lead the way. Piccolo closed his eyes and massaged his temple. "Is the world made up of idiots?"

The 'woman' started to follow but was roughly pulled aside by the 'boyfriend'. "Goku," Piccolo said under his breath, "stop acting like a fool! I don't know why you insisted on dressing up as a woman!"

The Saiyan frowned down at his pink pumps and yellow spandex. "Sorry Piccolo. I just don't get the chance to dress up that often and I—"

Piccolo silenced him with a wave of his hand. "I don't think I want to hear anymore. Just…follow the guy." So, with a smile and a flirtatious wink, Goku followed the host.

Thankfully, the 'happy couple' was seated close to Bulma and Yamcha.

Goku did a double-take when he saw the people sitting next to him. "Oh my God, what a coincidence! It's Bulma and Yamcha!"

"Go—" Piccolo saw out of the corner of his eye that Bulma and Yamcha were watching them. "Gokina," he hastily corrected, "what are you talking about? Those aren't the Bulma and Yamcha we know!"

"Yes it is! And my name's not Gokina it's—OW! Why did you kick me, Picc—OW! You did it again!"

"Would you SHUT UP and leave these PERFECT STRANGERS alone?"

Their argument was interrupted by laughter from the next table. "Sorry, Gokina, but I don't think we're the people you know," Bulma said.

"Yeah," Yamcha added, "the people you're thinking of probably are a lot uglier than we are."

"And they're probably not getting married," Bulma said lightly.

Piccolo stared. "Are you joking?"

"Nope! Isn't it great? Well, it was nice meeting you Gokina and Picc. Bye!" She and Yamcha got up and left after that, leaving Piccolo in a stupor. He finally managed to stammer, "Vegeta had better be pissed about this or I quit!"

A young waiter stepped up to the table. "Good evening. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get here. Are you ready to order?"

'Gokina' opened the menu and pointed. "I'd like this entire side of the menu and twenty-six orders of the soup du jour. What would you like, honey?"

Piccolo sighed. "I'll just have a glass of water."

The waiter's face fell when he said that. "Wouldn't you like a steak? Or maybe a nice roast duck or a—"

"Just the water, please."

"Okay…cheapskate."

"What was that?"

"I said I'll be right out with your order." The waiter left hastily after that, muttering under his breath. For the millionth time that night, Piccolo sighed. "Maybe I should have ordered martini." He glanced at 'Gokina'. "Or maybe a triple would've been nice…."

A half hour later, after Goku…erm, Gokina was finished cleaning out the restaurant, 'her' and Piccolo returned home.

"I had a great time, Pi—"

"Dang! Stupid Bulma just had to accept his proposal."

"Oh, right, I forgot about that. So, what do we do now?"

"We move on to Plan B."

"And that is…?"

"We make Yamcha look even more stupid than he is."

"That'll be so hard, though!"

"Heh, you said it. But not nearly as hard as making you look more stupid."

Goku finished reapplying his lipstick and gave Piccolo a questioning look.

* * *

So, yeah, another short chapter done. What's new? I wonder when this story will end. 

**Kyo and Trunks:** …not soon enough.

**Star:** Hey! I resent that! Anyways, on a completely different topic…

**Kyo:** Uh-oh.

**Star:** …I've been asked to have Kedo on the show.

**Trunks:** Show? What show?

**Star:** You know what I mean! (walks over to closet and turns portal thingamajig to "Fans")

**Kedo:** (pops out of portal) Yay! I'm here!

**Star:** (beams) Yup! Now, I know you said you wanted to do something, so here you go. (hands him the tack hammer)

**Trunks:** (screams like a little girl) EEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! NOT THE TACK HAMMER! (runs in circles)

**Kedo:** (wicked grin) I'll show you SANTA CLAUS, stupid cat! (whacks Kyo over the head, rendering the poor boy unconscious) Ah, much better.

**Star:** Aw, aren't you the cutest lil thing? You've only been a member for what, a week or two?

**Kedo:** (proudly) Yep!

**Star:** How precious! Please tell me if you post any stories, okay? And thanks for whacking Kyo! I would have gotten around to it eventually, but with all this writing, who has the time anymore?

**Kedo:** It was no problem! Anytime, anytime.

**Star:** (to readers) Okay, guys! Review and I'll see you soon!

**Trunks:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!


	8. Data Gathering

Why'd this take so long?

**Trunks:** Lemme guess. Another death in the family.

**Star:** (shocked) How did you know?

**Trunks:**(even more shocked)You mean there _was_ another death in the family?

**Star:** Yeah. Kinda depressing, ain't it? But I've got the new chapter now, so it's all good! Except not...

**Kyo:** Just get on with it! I'm hungry and I don't know what time it is.

**Star:** Meanie!

* * *

"Piccolo, we've got a Code-Red going down here. You need to come to Base-Blue! Over." 

"What the hell are you talking about, Goku?"

"You need to say over. Over."

He sighed and muttered something before replying, "Fine. Over."

"I'm talking about Ladies' Night. Over."

"I still don't know what you mean. What's a Code-Red? Where's Base-Blue? And what the hell is Ladies' Night?"

"Piccolo…you didn't say…."

"OVER!"

"Good. And all those questions you have are answered in my manual. You read my manual, didn't you?"

Piccolo sighed. "You mean that crayon drawing on the back of the Denny's menu?" He looked over his shoulder at the crumpled menu propping up his wobbly table. "Yeah, I read it. Over."

"So you just forgot. Okay." Goku sounded hurt. "Well, a Code-Red has something to do with Bulma and Base-Blue is my house. Over."

"And Ladies' Night? Over."

"It's when Bulma calls Chichi crying her heart out over someone. Over."

"…Is that someone Vegeta? Over."

"Oh yeah. Meet here at ten hundred hours. Over and out."

Piccolo looked at his clock and swore. "That was thirty minutes ago!" He flew (literally) out the door and did that Superman trick where you fly around the world so fast you reverse the direction and, thus, you reverse time. Don't ask how that works, it just does. Anyways, back to Piccolo's suffering….

He touched down in front of Goku's ho—I mean Base-Blue and burst through the door. Right into the middle of a girls-only cry-fest.

"Erm, sorry, ladies…." Only two pairs of flooding eyes stared back. Both Chichi and Bulma burst into renewed tears, chorusing their laments.

"Now _there's_ a REAL man!"

"He called us '_ladies_'!"

"Piccolo's _so_ polite, unlike a certain Saiyan PRINCE!"

"And I'm sure he eats a _lot_ nicer than Goku!"

"Why can't _every_ guy be asexual!"

They fell into each other's arms sobbing, then began pounding down brownies and bourbon like they were crackers and water. While they were gorging, Piccolo backed up the stairs and ran into Goku at the top.

"Piccolo! You made it! Funny, I didn't radio you yet…."

"Never mind that. We've got two hormonal women downstairs who are spilling their guts to each other. Time to listen in!"

Goku pressed himself against the wall, even though his super-hearing could've picked up their conversation with ease. Piccolo didn't say anything, though, because he was used to his…'friend's' stupidity.

Here are the snippits they picked up.

"…so I accepted but Vegeta was all like, 'I hate you!' and I was like, 'Oh, yeah? Then why're you so nice to me?' and he was like, 'I am so not nice to you!' and I was like…."

"…then there was that one time Goku blew up the cat. He wanted to be nice and wash it, so he gave it a bath and stuck it in the microwave to dry it. High, three minutes. I had the hardest time cleaning that out…."

"…Pah! Saiyans, who needs 'em? They're all jerks anyway. Well, out of four of them, three are jerks. Seventy-five percent is high odds, too! I mean, I'm so smart that…."

"…and what was I thinking marrying Goku? He's such an idiot! Sometimes I just want to take a drill and…."

"…I don't even know if I like Yamcha. What should I do?"

Piccolo smiled to himself. "Bingo. Looks like things are going well." He turned to Goku, who was curled up on the floor with his hands over his ears, trying to block out Chichi's 'meanness', as he put it. "I'm going home, Goku. From now on, we'll need some major planning."

* * *

Good news! I've finally reached a decision! 

**Trunks:** Were you trying to decide something?

**Star:** I've decided that I'm not going to reply to all the reviews!

**Trunks:** Why is that good news? You're completely disregarding common courtesy.

**Star:** Yeah, well, it would've taken me weeks to catch up. I had over one hundred reviews stored up.

**Trunks:** Still, you should've—

**Kedo:** (wields tack hammer) If you don't stop spewing nonsense, I'm gonna smack you with this tack hammer!

**Trunks:** O-O Now that I think about it, that's a great idea!

**Star:** I knew you'd like it. (to reader) I'm not going to stop responding entirely. If you have a question, I'll send you a reply…eventually…. I do feel bad for not responding, but I'd like you to know that everyone's reviews are much appreciated. It's just that I have so many other things going on. You understand, don't you?

**Kyo:** (while unconscious, mumbling) …damn…rat…hammer…cheese cake….

**Star:** (beams) My kinda man right there, folks. See you later! (Kedo kicks Kyo while Star's back is turned)


	9. Plan B Phase One

Sniff…sob…hick…you guys are so sweet!

**Kyo:** Get a grip! You're making us look bad.

**Trunks:** This is so embarrassing.

**Star:** (to readers) You guys are all being nice about the deaths! To be quite honest, I didn't know the deceased at all, but it affected my family which affected me and it just was a downward spiral. Thanks for your concern! This chap is dedicated to you! (sobs more)

**Kyo:** (sighs) She doesn't own anyone, so don't sue her. Besides, she'll probably cry worse than this if you tried. And that's sad.

* * *

It was getting to the point where Piccolo's eye twitch was becoming chronic. He went to the doctor to try and get some medicine, but the doctor said medicine wouldn't help. He could only suggest that Piccolo should avoid whatever was causing the problem.

Piccolo laughed him out of the office.

Now it was only five hours before the Christmas Eve party at the Briefs' house. The Namekian, twitch and all, was waiting downstairs for his accomplice. "Goku! What the hell is taking you so long?"

"I'm just finishing up my letter to Santa! I'll be right down!"

Knowing that it wasn't his fault and he couldn't do anything, Piccolo began to meditate in a corner.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw two large, black orbs smiling at him. "Gaaah! Goku, get away from me!"

"Aw, don't you want to read my letter?"

"Will we go right after?"

"Of course!"

"Fine. Give it to me."

_Deer Santa,_

_I wuz hoping yu culd help me and mi frend, Picolo, get Bullma and Vegeeta together. I wood like that vry much._

_GOkU_

"Wow, Goku, you continue to amaze me every day with the depth of your incompetence."

"Thank you!"

Piccolo's eye started twitching so hard, he began to hover. "Let's go show Yamcha what we're made of."

In a brief moment of sanity, Goku remembered that he could immediately transport Piccolo and himself to Yamcha's house. What he didn't realize was that Yamcha would be in his harem again.

"Yo, bros, what up!" Yamcha greeted as the girls around him all chorused their laughter. Goku laughed uncomfortably while Piccolo hovered in all his twitchy glory. The drunk girls were bedazzled by this flying green man.

"Yamcha," Piccolo said through his teeth, "can Goku and I talk to you?"

"Sure. Whaddaya need?"

"Well, since tonight is the Christmas Eve party, Bulma wanted us to tell you that it's a BYOB party."

"A bob?"

"No. B. Y. O. B. Bring your own beer."

"Oh, right. I knew that…."

Goku suddenly turned to Piccolo in horror and said, "We forgot OUR beer!" a comment that brought him an immediate slap to the head.

"As I was saying," Piccolo continued, "you'll need to stock up for the party."

"No prob! Wanna help me pack?"

"Actually, Goku and I are volunteering to do it for you."

Yamcha gave them a huge grin. "Thanks! Beer's in the fridge!"

Piccolo dragged Goku into the kitchen and shut the door. "Okay Goku, here's the game plan."

"Ooh, we're going to play a game!"

The Namekian paused, then a slow smile spread across his face like the Grinch. But this time, he wasn't stealing Christmas.

It was taking them forever to pack up the beer cans. First had to screw off the bottle caps, dump the beer down the drain, then refill the bottles with hard liquor before replacing the top and putting the "beer" in the cooler.

Goku job was twisting off the tops. "Aw, but Piccolo," he whined, "why can't I dump it down the drain?"

"Because you'd just end up spilling it and we don't have time to waste cleani—" Goku accidentally dumped the bottle he had just opened on the floor.

"Oops."

Quickly, Piccolo turned his back to Goku and chugged the beer he was holding in his hand. It didn't taste that great, but at least it eased the twitching. He then turned back to Goku. "Clean up the mess while I fill the cooler."

Surprisingly, it was a lot faster when Piccolo was working on his own. Well, it wasn't actually surprising that it worked that way, but it sounded good, didn't it?He was adding the last of the bourbon to some beer bottles. Every so often he'd take a slug. Kind of. "One for you, one for me. Two for you, one two for me. Three for you, one two three for me…."

Goku had finished moping up the beer with a rag, so he decided to duel with the shady character in the corner.

"Goku," Piccolo hiccupped, "that's your shadow."

"No it is—oh, yes it is. Sorry." He sat down sadly as his accomplice finished up the last bottle.

"Yamcha's going to make an ass out of himself," Piccolo cackled. "All according to plan…." He began to laugh harder and eviler, if that's a word.

Goku just stared dejectedly at his friend. "I don't get it…."

* * *

I hope I'm getting back in my writing-rhythm here. I've been a very bad girl….

**Kyo:** (grumbling) I'll say you have.

**Star:** It's all for you, love.

**Kyo:** GAAAH! I'M NOT YOUR LOVE!

**Star:** (looks around) Wait a second…where's Kedo?

**Kid Buu: **Grrawr! (gnaws on Kedo)

**Kedo:** What the hell! Why is he eating my arm?

**Star:** I dunno. But honestly, people are getting jealous that you're here. Apparently, the girls think that someone close to Trunks is bad.

**Kedo:** But I'm a guy!

**Kyo:** Well, we all know which way Trunks swings…or should I say ways?

**Trunks:** SHUT UP!

**Kedo:** Why wouldn't they be jealous of you, Star?

**Star:** Everyone knows that Kyo and I are an item. (dreamy look in Kyo's direction)

**Kyo:** What the hell is wrong with you?

**Star:** I dunno, but I'm confident it's hard to pronounce. (to readers) Thanks for reading! Ciao, bello!

**Trunks:** (sigh) Why me?


	10. Plan B Phase Two

Okay, here are the replies to your questions!

**Kyo:** It's kind of obvious, isn't it? I mean—

**Star:** Quiet, you! Anyways, **summer.snoboardr**, Kedo was a reader just like you who wanted to be in the story. I had to send him home, though, because people start to get jealous when someone's on the show.

**Kyo:** (grumbling) Who in the hell knows why….

**Star:** And, just for the record, **heiress2thethrone**, I still doubt Trunks is gay, even though there's some definite proof otherwise in the show….

_**Vegeta: **(on TV in his infamous 'bad ass' pink shirt) What are you looking at?_

_**Trunks:** (on TV) Oh, it's nothing, it's just that I…like your shirt._

_**Vegeta:** (on TV) You WOULD._

**Star:** Why is Vegeta implying that he would like pink? You can figure it out…. And the Japanese version is worse!

_**Trunks:** (on TV) The only good thing about this is that Mom and Dad won't see me in drag._

**Star: **And then there was—

**Trunks:** STOP IT, PLEASE!

**Star:** Fine…meanie…. Anyways, here's the next chapter!

* * *

"Omigod omigod omigod, tonight's going to be a blast!" Goku squealed. He and Piccolo were flying back to Base Blue to get ready for the Christmas Eve party. "And I can't wait for Santa to come and give me my present!"

"Goku, hasn't anyone ever told you that Santa doesn't exist?"

For a second, there was absolute silence. Then….

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He started to cry and flew as fast as his little…uh…large ki could carry him. "I hate you!" were the last words that Piccolo heard before he disappeared from sight.

"Yes. Thank you Santa!" Merrily, Piccolo flew towards his cave to get ready for the party.

Of course, because Goku has super-human, I mean, Super Saiyan powers, he arrived home in very little time at all. "Chichi, I'm home!" he shouted as he walked through the door.

"Oh, Goku, could you get Gohan? We're all ready to go to the party."

"Okay!" He turned toward the stairs. "GOHAN! LET'S GO!"

Chichi sighed, "I could've done that…," and shook her head solemnly.

It took Goku and his family a total of three nanoseconds to get to the front door of the Briefs' residence, thanks to Goku's instant transmission. Gohan excitedly pressed the doorbell and hopped in a circle. "I can't wait for tomorrow, Dad!"

"I know, Son! Santa's going to bring some great stuff, isn't he?" The door opened and Mrs. Briefs smiled down at the little boy.

"I hope he gives me a handsome son-in-law like I asked for!" she giggled. Of course, Chichi and Gohan just stared, but Goku was ecstatic.

"You asked Santa for the same thing_ I_ did!"

KLANK! "Our son is not GAY!" Chichi shrieked.

"Aw, Chichi, I meant that I asked for Santa to get Bulma to marry Veg—"

KLANK! "Hey, you green freak, don't take my frying pan!" Chichi shrieked again, this time at Piccolo, who had just arrived.

"Please be quiet…I have a hangover."

Everyone gaped at him, except Mrs. Briefs, who said, "Chichi, you shouldn't have made an entire turkey! Thank you so much! Come on in, you guys!" Mrs. Briefs opened the door wider to let the Son family and Piccolo in. "Chichi, could you please take that turkey into the living room? I would help, but I've got some pies in the oven. Vegeta and Bulma are in there now, though, so they—"

"I'LL TAKE THE TURKEY!" Goku shouted suddenly. He yanked the bird out of Chichi's hands and sauntered further into the house. He was giggling like a lunatic when he got to the door. "I'll bet they're making out in there right about now!" he thought to himself. Okay, he can't really _think_, but it was close enough. I'll just give him the benefit of the doubt. Anyways….

"I'll bet they're totally all over each other," he continued in his head. As quietly as he could, he pushed open the door. Of course, he had been right. Call it animal instincts, luck, or some insane emotional connection between him and Vegeta that suddenly developed right then and there, but Bulma and Vegeta were making out under the mistletoe. How original.

He watched in interest until it started getting a little too graphic for his virgin eyes. Yes, he has virgin eyes now.

"Sorry to interrupt you two," he said quite loudly. Bulma and Vegeta pushed each other apart, but not before Goku noticed that Vegeta copped a feel of Bulma's ass. Yeah, he's that kinda guy….

"Kakarott, if you even DARE—"

"Goku, don't you breathe a WORD—"

"Don't worry," he laughed at them. "Your secret's safe with me." They were so weird! Okay, so what if Bulma was engaged to her boyfriend of almost ten years and Vegeta was a maniacal killer that hated humans? It wasn't _that_ big a deal if they were necking. Goku smiled even wider as Vegeta and Bulma exchanged very confused glances.

They finally said "good" before walking out the door. Goku caught Vegeta's sleeve as he passed.

"Vegeta, you've got some lipstick on your mouth." Vegeta wiped it off on his arm, then proceeded to rub the lipstick of his neck and chest. Before he left, he gave Goku a little nod of appreciation, also known as the 'if you tell anyone that this happened, I'll kill your first-born child' nod. Goku didn't know what it meant.

After they left, the young Saiyan started doing the worm. "Yes! Santa's even better than the Dragonballs!" He was about to busta rhyme about his good fortune when Piccolo came to rain on his parade.

"What the hell are you doing on the floor?"

"…Nothing…."

"Well, hurry up. We've got some spying to do."

* * *

Heh, right on time! I'm getting back in my groove! (starts dancing)

**Kyo:** This is horrible for your rep, you know.

**Star:** So what? (starts singing) _They say that I have the best ass below Fourteenth Street…is it true?_

**Kyo:** WHAT!

**Star:** _You're staring again!_

**Kyo:** STOP IT! (Star begins to laugh while Kyo rants, embarrassed)

**Trunks:** (rolls eyes) Jeez, pipe down, you two. Can't you see I'm trying to polish my sword? (complete silence)

**Star:** Wow, Trunks. That sounded really wrong.

**Trunks:** Huh? …I don't get it…. (another silence, more awkward this time)

**Kyo:** Okaaaaay….

**Star:** (anime sweatdrop) I guess I'll post a new chapter next Saturday…and we have another surprise visitor, too! Buh bye!


	11. Backing Off

More questions! Yippee!

**Kyo:** God, give me patience and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

**Star:** Hello **The Ace of Authors**! I'd like to thank you for all the nice things you said. If you like my style of writing, try reading **Mrs. Trunks Briefs**' stories. I mean, she is my inspiration and all…. And about that age thing, I just turned seventeen a couple of days ago. So I don't know if I'm older than you or what, but whatever!

**Kyo:** Wait a second…you're the same age as me?

**Star:** What did you think? I was hitting on someone older than me?

**Kyo:** Yes!

**Star:** (sighs) And, last but not least, **summer.snoboardr**, I have no clue when Trunks actually said that drag thing, but it's in the Japanese version. If you want a full list of naughty things Trunks said, go to click the humor section, then click "The Sexuality of Trunks". You won't regret it!

**Kyo:** Are you done yet?

**Star:** Yep! Story time!

* * *

"Piccolo, look! Look!" Goku tugged on his partner's turban incessantly, unintentionally spilling Piccolo's Jägermeister shot all over himself. And the chaser. 

"Dammit Goku, they haven't moved yet!"

"Yes they have! I swear, Vegeta blinked in Bulma's direction. That's good, isn't it?"

Sighing, Piccolo wrung out the alcohol from his cape and said, "Until they kiss, I don't give a damn what you have to say."

"But they did kiss."

"WHAT? When did this happen!"

"When I was bringing in the turkey, they were kissing. I thought I told you already."

"Well, you didn't. Was that before I found you in there break dancing and about ready to pull an Eminem?"

"Ha-wah?"

Piccolo sighed again and picked up a glass of champagne. "Figures. I'm going to have to steal a 'beer' from Yamcha before the night is over."

There was an awkward pause as Goku tried to understand why Piccolo would want to steal a couple of Miller Lites out of Yamcha's cooler. He eventually gave up and said, "Did I tell you that Bulma and Vegeta kissed?"

"YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!" This time, everyone at the party stopped and stared at them. There was even that crazy record noise that always happens in movies. Like any great person can, Piccolo came up with a great last-minute excuse. "Sorry. I'm taking medication for that."

Everyone returned to their previous conversations. Everyone except Vegeta, who continued leaning on the wall and ogling Bulma. Goku giggled when he saw this. "I can't wait to make this work!"

Finishing off his drink, Piccolo turned to his mentally-handicapped partner and said, "We shouldn't do anything else, Goku. They're already in love. Bulma wouldn't have kissed him if she wasn't."

"You don't know Bulma then."

"What was that?"

"Nothing…."

"Anyways," Piccolo continued suspiciously, "we should let them figure out things from now on."

Goku reluctantly agreed and started to nibble on some appetizers. Of course, this is nibbling in Saiyan terms, because no word exists in the English language to explain the phenomena of Goku's (to put it quite bluntly) feeding orgies.

Conveniently, Piccolo left out the part about Yamcha's insanely strong "beers". That was out of his power now, especially since Yamcha had already drunk about half of them. It had never occured to Piccolo that Bulma and Vegeta would get together so quickly. They always seemed to be at each other's throats, right? Or was he seeing things while he was drunk? Never mind that. At last, Piccolo was free from the clutches of that insane being they call Goku! He could do whatever he wanted to!

And first thing's first—he had to rid himself of the horrible memories from the previous month or so.

Piccolo swiveled and began downing all of the Jell-o shots in range with a young Gohan, who had mistaken them for actual Jell-o.

The half-breed hiccupped and giggled. "Hiya, Misser Picc'lo! These Jell-o's sure are tasty!" He licked his lips and hiccupped again.

Suddenly, Piccolo felt concerned. If he was caught next to Chichi's wasted son, she would mercilessly torture him and leave him in the woods for the dinosaurs to devour. Not cool! "Where's your mom?"

Gohan giggled and pointed to the other side of the room where his mother had passed out on the couch. Master Roshi had already taken advantage of this by…I'll leave it up to everyone's imagination.

Ick.

Despite this particular case, things were looking up. Vegeta and Bulma were in love, Yamcha was well on his way to becoming trashed, and Goku was already on the other side of the room. Well, not that it mattered to a person with super-human speed or anything, but it was a start, wasn't it? Unfortunately, the answer is no. The Saiyan—whose memory is only slightly superior to that of a goldfish's—was suddenly everywhere Piccolo was, declaring that a kiss had, in fact, occurred between Bulma and Vegeta. Over and over and over and over and over and…well, you get the idea.

"Hah! This is so exciting! Did I tell you they kissed?"

"Thirteen times. Now fourteen. And why do you have to meddle in their relationship?"

"Because it's fun."

Ah, the far-reaching arms of stupidity were inescapable. Piccolo opened his mouth to utter a comeback when Bunny Briefs announced dinner was ready.

"Please, Kami," Piccolo silently prayed, "if you have any capabilities at all, you will protect everyone from Goku's ineptitude."

The party grabbed their drinks and filed into the dining room, which had a gigantic feast waiting.

* * *

Like how I worked in a bunch of different alcohols? Anyways, time for that special guest, Sabudabu! 

**Sabudabu:** (prances out of closet right into Trunks' lap) Hi! I'm so excited to be here!

**Star:** I'm sure you are. Maybe I should tell Trunks now….

**Trunks:** (trying to squirm out from under Sabudabu) Tell me what?

**Star:** I kinda…gave you to Sabudabu….

**Trunks:** You WHAT!

**Star:** Oh please, you know you like her!

**Trunks:** (looks at Sabudabu's puppy eyes and crinkles his nose) Fine….

**Sabudabu:** YAY! (kisses Trunks then hugs Star) Thank you so much! But why would you give him up so easily?

**Star:** Because he isn't even on my top fifteen anime hotties list.

**Sabudabu:** WHAT! Are you INSANE! Trunks is WAY hotter than everyone else! And he is NOT GAY!

**Star:** (sighs) I know already! I was just making a point last time…. Anyways, that's all for today, folks.

**Sabudabu:** This isn't over! We'll conclude this fight NEXT TIME!


	12. Goku on his Own

Dinner was going to be a nightmare. Piccolo could tell as soon as he saw where Goku sat. Well, let me back up. Really, it was all Krillen's fault, as most things are. He didn't have a date, so he was clinging to Yamcha the entire night. That particular moment was especially bad for him because everyone was sitting down to dinner with their wife/girlfriend/significant other and he was all by his lonesome. So you can't really blame Krillen for asking Yamcha to sit next to him, even though I just did.

In any case, it lead to a whole chain of rapid seating. Krillen sat down, called over Yamcha, who dragged Bulma over, which signaled Goku to sit across from Yamcha and pull Vegeta in next to him, across from Bulma. To them—all-powerful warriors of earth—this happened in a relatively short amount of time, but to the naked eye, it seemed as if they all sat down simultaneously. This means that Bulma was really REALLY confused right about now. What made it worse was that Goku was giggling as much as his drunk son.

In other words, a lot.

To avoid looking at him, Bulma turned to Vegeta. That didn't help. Goku started giggling more and she suddenly realized what was going on. He was trying to set her and Vegeta up! Well, it wasn't going to work! Just because she kissed him under the mistletoe…and sniffed his bed sheets before she washed them…and installed a hidden camera in the bathroom…doesn't mean she likes him like that!

In anger, her face flushed and she looked away. Goku was definitely going to pay.

Her father suddenly clapped his hands and everyone's attention turned to him. "As you all know, this has been an eventful year. Goku has come back from outer space!" Everyone started to cheer, but only because they were drunk out of their minds and knew they were supposed to be loud at this point in time. Of course, Piccolo was the loudest.

"Also, it seems we have a new member to add to our gang. Vegeta!" This time, though, it wasn't the drunken males that were the loudest, it was the females. There was a loud cat call from Bunny's side of the table. There was even a pair of underwear thrown his way. He held them up, surprised, while Goku snatched them away. "Chichi will need those later," he said sheepishly.

"Finally, we learned some disturbing news from a mysterious youth that visited us from the future." Everyone became quiet, but that's probably because they knew this part was going to be boring. Bulma's eyes met Vegeta's and they both smiled.

Evilly.

"Goku's trying to set us up," she mouthed to him.

"I know. Let's screw with his head," he mouthed back.

She nodded quickly. It was then that dinner started.

"Yamcha, could you pass me the potatoes?" Bulma asked in a curiously innocent voice. "Yamcha?" Of course, the high pitch could only be caught by Saiyan ears (or dog ears) so Yamcha never got her the potatoes. She looked as put out as she could.

Despite all this overacting, it still took Goku a fair bit of time before he caught on. He snatched the potatoes from Krillen and handed them to Vegeta, who in turn handed it to Bulma.

"Here," Vegeta said, feigning apathy, which isn't hard for him to do. Bulma thanked him and began scooping potatoes on to her plate as Goku giggled some more. The young Saiyan was suddenly distracted by a huge fight Yamcha and Krillen were having over football. Bulma and Vegeta took this moment to collaborate.

"Should we just stare?" Vegeta suggested quietly. Bulma quickly agreed as Goku turned back to the table. When he saw the "couple" staring, he was overcome with happiness.

"They're getting together!" his mind sang. Off-key, due to the head injury, but it sang nonetheless.

Yamcha had to ruin the fun, of course. "Bulma!" She rolled her eyes and turned to him, remembering her part of 'little, innocent Bulma'. Hah.

"I'm sorry, Yamcha, I was just thinking again…," she said in her softest voice.

"That's my girl!" He pounded her on the back. "I was going to say something, but I forgot what it was." As he turned away—Goku obviously being distracted by the discussion between Yamcha and Krillen—Bulma winked at Vegeta before rising "angrily" and marching upstairs.

Goku saw and his mind began to churn. Like it wasn't filled with buttery fat anyways.

"Hey, Vegeta, do you still have that pen that I lent you?"

Even with his controlled appearance, Vegeta couldn't help but stare in amazement at Goku's stupidity. "Did you eat some pills you found on the floor again?" His mind went back to that faithful night Goku had accidentally eaten some Vicodin. Good times…that video made him so much money….

"You know, the PEN." Of course Vegeta knew what he meant! He was just playing dumb. It takes a dumb person to fall for it, too. "Could you get that from your ROOM? UPSTAIRS?"

It was then Vegeta pretended to suddenly understand. "Right. I'll get it…freak." Before Goku could ask what he had muttered, he dashed to the stairs.

The young Saiyan warrior was so excited about his victory, he didn't notice Yamcha calling him until a few seconds later. "Goku, I have your pen. Ish right here." Sure enough, when he held out his hand, Goku's favorite pen, all chewed up and inky, was sitting in his palm.

"Thanks, Yamcha."

"No probs." He glanced up the stairs. "I'd better tell Vesheta that I had your pen." Before Goku could protest, Yamcha had made his way up the stairs.

* * *

One down, only a few more to go. 

**Kyo: **Thank God! I get to leave soon!

**Star: **What do you mean? You're not going anywhere.

**Kyo:** …Dammit!

**Sabudabu:** Star, if Trunks isn't on your anime hotties list, who is?

**Star:** (sigh) You really want to know? Alright…. (pulls down intricate diagram from ceiling) It goes like this: 1. Sohma Kyo, the cat; 2. Vegeta, Prince of all Saiyans; 3. Ed Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist; 4. Himura Kenshin, Hitokiri Battousai; 5. Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist; 6. Hatake Kakashi, Copy Ninja; 7. Hiei, fire apparition; 8. Gren, saxophone player; 9. Jean Havoc, Lieutenant; 10. Maes Hughes, Major; 11. Spike Spiegel, bounty hunter; 12. Sohma Shigure, the dog; 13. Sohma Hatori, the dragon; 14. Uchicha Sasuke of team seven; 15. Kurama, or Yoko Kurama, _then_ Trunks, but only Mirai. Chibi is _way_ down there.

**Trunks:** (sweatdrop) You spend a lot of time on this, don't you?

**Kyo:** I'm on top? Where's Yuki?

**Star:** He doesn't even make the list. He's too…Michael Jackson for me.

**Kyo:** Sweet! I beat the rat!

_(a weird pounding on closet door)_

**Star:** I wonder who that could be? (opens door, revealing a badly bruised Kedo)

**Kedo:** I had to take down Kid Buu to get here….

**Sabudabu, Trunks, Kyo:** OO

**Star:** (sweat drop) Okay…well, we'll have to continue this later….


	13. A Little Research

**Star:** (crazy) Yes! I'm back! Sorry this is a week late but I was on vacation and I—

**Trunks:** Star, what did you do to Kyo?

**Star:** (glances at hissing orange cat in cage) Oh, he's still a little angry about traveling as baggage.

**Kyo:** A LITTLE? Not only was it cold and bumpy in the air, but the friggin' flight was delayed for over three hours and I was sitting under the plane for FOREVER!

**Star:** Hey, that was sooooooo not my fault! (to reader) Anyhoo, I'll make up for the lateness by writing now.

**Trunks:** What do you mean now? It's 2:14 in the morning!

**Star:** (grins) Exactly.

**Trunks:** Uh-oh….

* * *

To say that Yamcha tried to get into Bulma's pants is wrong. She wasn't even wearing pants! But in all honesty, she had really come onto him because she knew that if she made him look bad in front of Goku, it would only further the game that Vegeta and she was playing. 

She's a scheming biatch, isn't she?

Anyways, long story short, she tricked Yamcha and went to bed with Vegeta, leaving Goku with a (horribly) drunk ex-fiancé. Did I mention she broke off the engagement? Well, she did. And I'm not writing paragraph two again.

"Hiccup," Yamcha said to Goku sadly.

"I know, buddy. But you shouldn't have done that."

"Hic."

"Now, now, no excuses. I'll just take you home." He nobly used his instant transmission so Yamcha wouldn't get…flying-sick…and then came right back to the party so he could eat more. He didn't know that Bulma and Vegeta were sleeping together.

The next day was even more exciting for Goku.

"Chichi," he said pleasantly, "can Piccolo come over to play with me on the computer?"

"I don't think so, Mister."

Goku stuck out his lower lip and gave her puppy-dog eyes. "Please?"

"Oh…alright…but only after you finish your chores!"

The young Saiyan immediately brightened, finished all his chores in record time, and called Piccolo over with telecommunication.

"What's this for?" the Namekian moaned as Goku logged onto the internet. (He's still using dial-up! He's so stupid sometimes….) "If this is about Bulma and Vegeta, I'm leaving. I told you not to mess with them anymore."

"Aw, but this isn't messing with them! This is something fun!" He went to 'my favorites' and clicked on "Guess who has a xanga!"

"I DON'T HAVE A BLOG RING DEDICATED TO MY COLLECTION OF CHIA PETS! YOU MUST HAVE READ SOME OTHER NAMEKIAN'S!"

Goku stared at Piccolo blankly while the latter panted and began to sweat. Finally, Goku replied, "I was talking about Vegeta and Bulma."

"Oh…right…." Piccolo did the shifty-eye thing as Goku searched for the blogger "EmoSaiyan01". As the screen started to load, various and sundry (word master word!) images of Vegeta wearing eyeliner and black nail polish popped up. The most recent title read "Find your Inner-Emo in ten easy steps".

"Do you see what it says about Bulma?" Goku squealed, swiveling in the chair. Piccolo read on. It took him about three minutes to find the one reference made about Bulma.

" 'She doesn't suck as much as the rest of them.' That's good, I guess…."

"If you think that's good, you should see Bulma's! She's got a lot more to say about him!" Quickly, he typed in IheartVEGGIES and sat back as her journal downloaded. More importantly, as the pictures downloaded. Piccolo was in shock.

"Is that—"

"Yep. Bulma loooooves Photo Shop."

"But…that's just…eew…."

The Saiyan sat up and pointed at the screen. "But this is good, right?"

"The entire thing is about him," he replied monotonously, as if he ever talked any other way. "That's almost disturbing."

"Not as disturbing as this!" Goku sang as he typed in Chia4eva. "This is just plain scary."

"IT IS NOT SCARY!" Piccolo screamed scarily as he blew up the computer. "I told you, I don't have a xanga!" Goku watched his partner storm off in a confused—as usual—manner.

"I don't get it."

* * *

"I'd better start researching that project," Gohan said at the dinner table that evening. "Can I use the computer, Mom?" 

"Of course you—"

"Can't. Can not use the computer."

Chichi turned and stared suspiciously at Goku. "And why is that?"

"I, uh…um—"

She suddenly rose and ran into the computer room, swearing horrible mutilation would follow if the computer was harmed in anyway. Her screaming and cussing was Goku's cue to exit.

"At least Piccolo can take me in for the night."

Oh how wrong he was….

* * *

(wakes up) Huh? What's on the computer? (speed reads) Oh my God, this is horrible! When did I write this? 

**Trunks:** (groggily) Two in the morning….

**Kyo:** (moans) Can you take me out of this cage now?

**Star:** Oh no! What did I do? (pulls Kyo out of the cage and hugs him) Sorry, it must have been my other side. It only comes out after nine o'clock.

**Trunks:** What do you mean, other side?

**Kedo:** (crawls out from under bed) She's nuts, that's what.

**Star:** (blatantly ignores them) Your questions, readers! I answer them now! I can't believe your list looks like mine, Sab! Well, I can, I guess, because all those guys are awesome. But I like Roy's voice! Of course, I'm pretty easy to please, but it's probably why women chase after him…gives him the sound of someone mature-er.

**Kyo:** (sweatdrop) Is that even a word?

**Trunks:** Did Sab even send a question?

**Sab:** I didn't, but whatever! Come on, Trunks! (drags him out of the closet door)

**Star:** Oh no! My DBZ representative!

**Kedo:** Can we bring Kid Buu now!

**Star:** Appello doesn't know who Kyo is! I'm sure all you other DBZ fans are wondering, too. This is Kyo, everyone! (holds up orange cat triumphantly) He has orange hair, brown eyes, and a burning hatred for Yuki Sohma, his cousin.

**Kyo:** (mutters) Damn rat….

**Star:** When a girl hugs him, he turns into a cat. If you'd like to learn more about him, read the Fruits Basket manga, sold…wherever manga is. Number thirteen just came out, as a matter of fact.

**Kedo:** Isn't that manga for girls?

**Star:** Mostly. It's a romance comedy. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!

**Kedo:** Whatever. Can we bring in Kid Buu _now_?


	14. Christmas Shopping

Okay, let's get the party started!

**Kedo:** It's about damn time!

**Star:** Hey, are you taking the ACTs? Do you live in one of the most competitive school districts in the nation? DIDN'T THINK SO!

**Kedo:** (grumbles) Stupid.

**Star:** Hey, don't _make_ me tell Trunks what you wrote about him! But now for the questions. I don't believe that Trunks is gay, J.S, just a little…ambiguous. But stand-up and me don't mix, I'm afraid to say. I have to think about my jokes before I say them (or write them). Thank you very much for all the reviews!

**Kyo:** Can we get this _over_ with?

**Star:** Just one more! This _is_ a different take on Something Better, happychica. I'm glad you like my writing style. I'm pretty sure it's been improving, which is good! Thanks again! And for you **_Little Secret fans_**, I'm terribly sorry about the long wait. If the chapter isn't complete in the next three days, I'll just post what I have. Ug, I'm a terrible writer to have kept you waiting for so long. Sorry!

* * *

"Piccolo, can I sleep over tonight?" 

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"…"

"…"

"…now?"

"NO!"

They Piccolo was standing at the entrance of his cave while Goku was on his knees, begging for a place to sleep.

"Haven't you ever feared for your life? If you have any conration, you'll let me stay!"

Piccolo blinked at him. "Don't you mean compassion?"

"No, I'm hungry too." Piccolo was about to question Goku's sanity when another visitor landed at the entrance of the cave.

"Here you are, Kakarott!" the man shouted harshly. Both Piccolo and Goku started before turning their attention to the short man standing in the open.

"Vegeta! What are you doing here?"

The arrogant prince rolled his eyes and said, "I'm here to check out the myth about the mad doctor living in a cave who likes to give people shots."

"WHAAAA! IS HE HERE!" Goku ran like no other, mowing down his Prince and a good chunk of the forest as well. Vegeta again rolled his eyes and turned to Piccolo.

"Do _you_ know what to get a woman for Christmas?"

Piccolo shook his head. "No, I'm Jewish." The poor Saiyan Prince sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose.

"I asked Yamcha to help, but he was too busy in his harem. Speaking of which, why the hell don't I have a harem? I'm the friggin' Saiyan Prince, for God's sake!" Goku was suddenly by Vegeta's side.

"Did someone say Christmas?"

"Yes, Kakarott. Do you know what to get a woman for a present?"

"I sure do!" Goku smiled. "Chichi likes dresses and jewelry and perfume and everything."

The Prince began to get interested. "Really? Where can I find some of these things for free? I don't have any money." Goku's eyes narrowed and a sly smile spread across his face.

"I'll show you where you can get things for free…."

* * *

The glass shattered and a shadowed figure leapt through. He ignored the sound and flew to the women's section, keeping his eyes peeled for the perfect present. In the meantime, two guys were blockading the hole in the store window. 

"Goku, this is a terrible idea. I don't even know how you convinced me to come."

"Come on, Piccolo, it's not that bad. All we have to do is get Vegeta arrested for stealing and Bulma will come and bail him out. Insto-presto, they fall in love."

"You really are a moron! What makes you think that Vegeta will let someone arrest him, much less that Bulma would come and bail him out?"

Goku didn't answer.

"Goku?"

There was still no response. Piccolo waved his hand in front of his partner's face, but nothing happened. Goku's eyes were glazed over and a long drip of drool started to ooze from the corner of his mouth.

"_GO_KU!"

"Huhwahnuh?" he slurred as he came back to life. "What's wrong?"

"You just fell asleep when I was talking to you!" Piccolo shouted, his eyebrow twitching faster than the heartbeat of a hummingbird. That's pretty dem fast, too.

"Oh, right, sorry…." The young Saiyan scratched the back of his head and smiled bashfully. "What were you saying again?"

"Never mind! Let's just get Vegeta and get the hell outta here."

* * *

"So, Vegeta, did you get what you want?" 

"Uh, Goku, he's not here anymore."

"Oh. Well…can I sleep over tonight?"

"NO, CONFOUND IT, _NO_!"

* * *

Yeah, that took a lot longer than I expected. But like I said, it was all because of the ACT. 

**Kedo:** Yeah, right. The chapter wasn't even _good_.

**Kyo:** Be quiet, runt. I'm trying to sleep. (Kedo sticks his tongue out at Kyo when he's not looking)

**Star:** Well, I was working on ACT prep. It's tomorrow, so instead of _study_ing now, like I _should_ be doing, I'm writing this godforsaken chapter. Man, it was a pain to write. But I'm still working on Chapter 14 of _Little Secret_ because I just realized it has no major plot point. It was a shock because I love the story so much, but it just isn't going anywhere. I'm probably going to post what I have of the chapter then write a note saying, "Dude, I messed up and I need to start over." But now, yo lloro. Yo lloro _mu_cho!

**Kyo:** (with eyes closed) Speak in English, for God's sake.

**Star:** Ah, cállate! But I do have some interesting news. I've been working on my website for a period of eight months and I think it's time you guys checked it out. I like it and all. It has some icons in the humor section for you to use on your myspace or xanga. I've even updated the Things DBZ Characters Would Never Say so it has the February contest on it. Check it out for me and sign the guestbook, if you have the time. I greatly appreciate it!

**Kedo:** Only if you update faster!

**Star:** NEVER! ...But I'll try to.


	15. The Grand Finale

Ah, time to conclude this story.

**Kyo:** Thank GOD! It was annoying as hell to sit through!

**Star:** Was it really that bad? (teary eyed) You know, I try _so_ _hard_ to write for everyone, but it takes me so long to write well that almost all my readers stop reading.

**Kyo:** (uncomfortable) Uh….

**Star:** GAAAH! I'M SO SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU ALL! I DON'T DESERVE TO WRITE!

**Kedo:** Damn straight.

**Kyo:** (under breath) Shut up, runt. Do you want her to go ballistic again?

* * *

So, two weeks passed with no new news. Goku had actually completely forgotten about trying to arrange Vegeta and Bulma, since he was anticipating the arrival of a new year. He always loved staying up late, since Chichi made him go to bed at nine every night.

"Fie on her!" Goku thought. "Tonight I'm gonna stay up and see the new year! Score!" His thoughts revolved around this the entire way to Bulma's house, but when the door opened and he saw Bulma and Yamcha, he suddenly remembered his mission.

"Come on in, everyone!" Bulma said cheerily. "There's enough food for everyone, thank God." Goku only stared in disbelief. Why weren't Vegeta and Bulma all over each other? Instead, Bulma and Yamcha were hanging out while Vegeta sat dejectedly in a corner. Goku decided to bring his woes to the only other person who would understand.

"Piccolo, what happened to them?" When Goku received no reply, he tapped Piccolo on the shoulder. He heard a cough behind him.

"Uh, Goku, I'm over here. That's a house plant."

"Oh, right." Goku did an about-face and began lamenting to the actual Piccolo, who rolled his eyes.

"Just leave them alone. I have a feeling that they'll work things out."

"No they won't! I have to help! I HAVE TO HELP!" Goku sobbed and ran out of the room to find some comfort food. Namely steaks.

In the meantime, Yamcha was talking to Bulma about his secret harem while Vegeta listened in.

"Oh, yeah, girls come real cheap anymore. I got a discount because I used a coupon. It didn't even cost a week's salary to get them all." Bulma nodded thoughtfully as Yamcha continued.

The Saiyan Prince frowned at Yamcha's lack of manners. "What the hell does a Saiyan Prince have to do to get a harem around here!" he muttered harshly. "How can that bastard keep his supplier a secret?" But it was when Yamcha and Bulma started dancing that Vegeta lost it, jacking Yamcha in the face. As a matter of fact, he was so ticked off by his lack-of-haremness that he had actually turned Super Saiyan.

Bulma snapped at Vegeta. "What the hell did you DO to him?" Vegeta mumbled a response, but Bulma plowed past him to get to Yamcha. She helped him up and everything, only to discover that Vegeta was gone.

Piccolo couldn't really see what happened after that, because a large, spiky haired man was blocking his view. "GOKU! WOULD YOU GET OUT OF MY WAY? I'M GOING TO MISS THE COUNTDOWN!" Instead of replying, Goku placed a finger to his lips, which immediately made the Namekian suspicious. "What are you doing?"

"I'm listening for Vegeta's and Bulma's conversation." Mutely, Piccolo mimicked his head tilt and found that he, too, could hear what was going on. Here's the brief summary:

Argue, argue, argue. Argue. Pause. Accusations, declarations. It wrapped up with some icky noises that could only mean one thing—if I wrote them in here, this fic would be rated NC-17.

Goku sighed and gave Piccolo a thumbs up, which was acknowledged with some swears and rude hand signals. Just as he was about to celebrate with the others, he bumped into Mrs. Briefs.

"Oh, Happy New Year, dear. Have you seen Bulma anywhere?"

Goku's eyes widened as his mind reiterated the swears Piccolo had just said. Was he going to get caught? "I…uh…don't—"

"Is she with Vegeta?" Mrs. Briefs asked matter-of-factly. Goku could only nod. "It's about time those two got together."

She walked away humming and the young Saiyan warrior stared at her back in disbelief. "WTF?" was all he could say.

* * *

"…And that's how it happened," Goku finished. He glanced sheepishly at Bulma, who looked like she was about to cry or kick him in the nuts, whichever was easier. Goku didn't even dare peek at Vegeta's face. Right before Bulma was about to yell at him, there was a loud crash and everyone turned to stare at the ground.

Mirai Trunks stood up from the debris and brushed himself off. "I, uh, I was just leaving."

"No you don't, mister!" Bulma shouted, pinning him to the wall. "Were you trying to set us up, too?"

He looked at the ground, but before he could answer, there was a giggle from the Gravity Room's refrigerator. Vegeta yanked the door open and pulled out Krillen by the nape of his neck. "Well, Baldy, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Krillen flushed and stammered, "H-have you s-s-seen my belt?"

Bulma screamed in frustration and said, "Just how many of you were in on this?" Everyone in the room besides her and Vegeta raised their hand. In response, Bulma frowned and looked at the ground. "That was a rhetorical question."

Goku laughed loudly. "Oh, and Piccolo was in on it, too! I've gotta go now! Bye!" And he instant transmissioned out of there to look for his partner-in-crime. They needed to go into hiding.

* * *

Yes! It's done!

**Kyo:** (in tears) Ah, I love you!

**Star:** (eyes widen) What?

**Kyo:** Wait, no! I meant—

**Star:** Yes, you did! You said you love me! (dances) Yay! Somebody loves me!

**Kyo:** This is disturbing.

**Kedo:** (sweatdrop) That's an understatement.

**Star:** You have no right to talk, Kedo! You bitch and moan to get on this little blurb, then you don't leave a review! Make up your mind!

**Kyo:** Wow, did you just swear?

**Star:** (claps hand over her mouth) Crap. Well, anyways, now that this story is over, I can focus 100 of my efforts on Little Secret. I'm not even going to worry about Wind Chimes because it takes even longer to write chapters for it. Even if it stars my favorite person in the whole wide world! (coughKYOcough)

**Kyo:** (glares at her) Would you stop doing that?

**Star:** (sticks tongue out at him) Okay, I'm going to watch the Sox game now. See you guys later!


End file.
